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Page 2 of 2 Sex and confidenceSex can be a real obstacle to relationships in later life, since any loss of sexual function can undermine a man's confidence. Counselling on sexual matters can be extremely beneficial. Relate may be able to help from one of its local offices. Or you could obtain a list of counsellors qualified in this area from the BACP. There are many advice manuals on this crucial area, such as Dr Sarah Brewer's Intimate Relations - see below. It is easy to forget just how much time and effort, not to speak of heartache, can be involved in dating, particularly if you have not dated for 40 or more years. Denise Knowles is agony aunt of Yours magazine and a counsellor working for Relate. She told me: "We sometimes tend to think that as people get older they're less vulnerable and less likely to feel hurt. Actually, I find the opposite is true." What about the family?Should you find love in later life, you may have to bear in mind its impact on your adult children. Some people like to see a new man or woman in their parent's life, not just because they're pleased to see their parent happier but also because he or she may relieve them of the burden of support. Others, however, put as many spanners in the works as they can rustle up - sometimes because they dislike the idea of their parent having sex with someone other than their own parent, and sometimes because they fear that they and their children will lose their inheritance. On marriage, the husband or wife inherits the spouse's assets automatically if he or she dies intestate. However, it is perfectly possible to draw up a will in favour of your children. Often people embarking on marriage in later life bequeath their property to their grown-up children on condition that their surviving spouse can continue to live in it until death. A wills lawyer can provide advice tailored to your individual needs. There is no need to let stereotypical ideas of the form relationships should take dictate your lifestyle. In later life, you should feel freer to customise friendships and partnerships. As we grow older, the differences between us increase. A lifetime's attitudes to how we behave in our own homes can make cohabitation, no matter how deep our love, quite difficult. If you always take your shoes off when you step inside your house, and expect others to do so, if you always leave the kitchen spotless after every meal, how do you live with somebody to whom such behaviour seems ridiculous? One way in which some older couples try to circumvent problems is through entering into 'LAT' relationships, or living apart together. Couples meet often, go away together, stay over in each other's houses, but do not live together. These relationships have of course been around for a long time and rely on those involved being sufficiently healthy to move around and sufficiently wealthy to maintain two homes. Whatever relationship you want and whatever stage you are at, discuss everything with your beloved, advises Denise Knowles, who told me that success "in any relationship, regardless of age, all comes down to the ability to communicate". And perhaps a joint project can help too. My next-door neighbours have just returned from celebrating the wedding of their aunt who, at the age of 65 and divorced for more than 30 years, recently fell in love with a never-married farmer aged 67. Exhausted after a night in which the newly-weds led the dancing, my neighbours told me that the foundation for what looks like proving a long and happy marriage is not just romantic passion but a combined venture into a new field - organic farming. Marion Shoard writes and lectures on older people's issues. Her new book Later Life: A Guide will be published in 2008 by Polperro Heritage Press. Further informationAssociation of British Introduction Agencies Suite 354, 56 Gloucester Road, London SW7 4UB Tel: 020 8742 0386, www.abia.org.uk British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy BACP House, 15 St John's Business Park, Lutterworth, Leicestershire, LE17 4HB Tel: 01455 883300, www.bacp.co.uk Relate has local offices. Tel: 0845 456 1310, www.relate.org.uk Dr Sarah Brewer's book Intimate Relations: Living and Loving in Later Life, published in 2004 by Age Concern Books, is available to Woman's World readers at a special 20 per cent discount price of £7.99, plus £1.99 p&p - call 0870 44 22 120 and quote code: 10453. |
